Thursday, December 8, 2011

Northside Food Market Continues Its Tradition of Excellence

Parody post and photos by the Hawthorne Hawkman.

Upper level rental unit "just as safely habitable today" as it has ever been, neighborhood residents claim.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - The Northside Food Market, a long-standing quality corner store in the McKinley neighborhood, celebrated its thirteenth year in business today.  Honey Buns and Flaming Hot Cheetos will be sold at half-price, and individually-wrapped Swisher Sweets will be literally cut in half, for the on-the-go businessman who only has enough time to smoke a partial cigarillo before hopping on the bus to stay ahead of the hustle and bustle of his job.

"The Northside Food Market has it all," said one of the approximately fifteen tenants living in the one-bedroom apartment above the store.  "A location near a bus stop, brillo pads to clean my apartment, plastic roses that come in utilitarian glass tubes, and the only alleyway in the city of Minneapolis with a 40 mph speed limit."  When asked what the particular employ of this upstanding young gentleman was, he remained effusive, leading residents to speculate that he and his associates must be training for a circus clown car gig - the only plausible way such a small unit could comfortably hold so many people.

The store has long been a pioneering business in the neighborhood, leading the way selling healthy food to the throngs of socially-conscious, committed patrons who visited the store on an almost hourly basis.  While the utmost level of quality slipped briefly at the Northside Food Market earlier this year, the owners quickly promised to make things right.  Gone were the wads of bubble gum occasionally strewn on the sidewalk, and any young rapscallions causing the slightest bit of trouble were sent home with a firm warning and a stern look askance.

"We don't tolerate any kinds of nonsense around here," said the owner, who was dutifully in the midst of marking up the prices on such basic items as aluminum foil.  "And if anything untoward is reported, by golly, one quick phone call from a neighbor to the alderwoman is all it takes to set things right.  She's a stern headmaster, that one."

Today the Northside Food Market rolled back its doors for what is perhaps its most comprehensive refurbishment in the business's full-bodied history, and residents were duly thrilled.  Said one resident, "I love the new aisle layouts!  Everything is so conveniently located, the products they now sell attract the best customers, and the facade looks better than ever!  I just hope it stays this way for a long time to come."


  1. I miss Area Hawkman!

  2. Of course I know the neighbors won't miss the business, but did the building have to go? That would have made a great spot for a neighborhood coffee shop. With the building also go future potential and possibilities.

  3. Based on the stories I've heard from people who were in the building prior to demolition, this is not a structure I'm sad to see go. If it were salvageable, I'd have loved to see it as a coffee shop too (under different ownership). But I think this building was mismanaged and mistreated until demolition was necessary.

  4. I miss the Area Hawkman too, although with the Jordan Hawkman having predictably gone away, the Area Hawkman would seem almost superfluous now. Even so, he/she/they probably would have written this better. And for the record, The Onion was more of an influence here than AH.


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